Quest For Cock

Well Dan Fucked Us
nacho gomez done fucked up

The Other Carlman Sister write up:
Blin gets his own spinoff co-starring the murder fueled red shirts including a special guest appearance by everyone’s favorite slave owning Hobgoblin, Ranx. Norin canceled at the last minute because teenagers. The results were as revolting as the Joey spinoff, but peppered with even more failure.
Over at The Frankenstein Place: Our heroes are on their way to do some paranormal investigating, but are delayed due to rain, so they go into yet another country bumpkin inn—because that has really worked so well in the past.
Gypsies Tramps and Thieves: Fate smiles on us and instead of our usual serving of inbred bat people, or satanic primates, we are greeted by filthy superstitious gypsies! Grumble Dan and Chris (who I can’t remember the character name of) want to repeat history by opening lines of communication with our severed bat monster head, but diplomacy wins out when Dan decides to instead get a deformed-senior citizen-bar back shitfaced. He tells us a yarn most fowl.
Turns out there is another AARP member upstairs pushing some kind of monster out of her vagina, and she has brought body guards. Turns out that when we walked in the natives were getting antsy about evil and were getting ready to turn virgin Mary and her wise men out into the storm. Our new Paladin Bow-Brother of the dead Cal-agrees when he senses that the fetus is hell spawn, also she is an unwed mother and fuck that noise.
Diplomacy wins out again—I know right?—-when we talk the bodyguard into letting us go see the witch give birth and offer assistance, and that’s when shit hits the fan, kind of literally. We see a goat, a child, a doctor, the old pregger crone, and a homunculous spider thing made out of shit! Like real people shit! Bow looses his cool and casually suggests that a aborting both baby and mother might be the holiest solution to our evil fetus problem which prompts poo beast to lose his shit rim shot
The Reflex: Blin puts his dancing skillz to the test and backflips out of the way of fecal assault, but no one is safe with Grumble Dan decides to crit fail with his roofies flail of confusion, missing all enemies and smacking Bow straight in his righteous fucking face. The old witch lays down some thick mist to blind the crew and Bow spends the next three turns confused, spiritually, but more importantly sexually. He advances on the out and proud homosexual Blin, who promptly does what he does best and runs. Amid all of this I believe Chris is the only one actually doing damage to any of our actual enemies throwing his hammer in a way that Manowar would be proud of.
Awesome-stad: Enter Ranx and his merry band of lesser goblin slaves, also driven to the inn by the storm. They are greeted by a cowardly homosexual crying for blood. After a game of 20 questions they go upstairs to be greeted by Grumble Dan’s second crit fail of the game.
When you’re hot, you’re hot: Dan defies physics and manages to hit Blin in the face with his flail even though he isn’t actually in the room, before much of anything can happen our heroes are enveloped deeper in the fog, when it breaks they are in a new room with two chests.
Having learned little from previous adventures our heroes try not once, not twice, but three times to open one of the chests. The reward? Oblivion.
Armless of Darnkess: Grumble Dan, destroyer of worlds, opens the chest only to unleash the airplane sequence from Eraser. Ya know, where everyone is getting like sucked out of doors and shit. Only this time we are all getting sucked into this fucking box that ends up taking Dan’s whole arm off. Yeah, we really need a 3D printer up in this crew.
Blin is the only one who manages to nimbly jump away, avoiding danger a second time. He promptly does the thing he does second best to running, and sings Amazing Grace. Everyone was quite moved.
Master and Servant: Chris Fusco takes things to another level and uses one of the slaves to close the chest by curb stomping him into it. Ranx says that should be a lesson to his other slave, which is really not that helpful because like 2 seconds later that slave dies too when we all have to jump from out new shack enclosure—which turns out to be a giant dead spider husk—and into a watery pit of spiders.
We all nearly drown, but somehow survive completely surrounded by a bunch of eight legged bastards…what will happen next?
I think that covers it?
Dancing Queen: Goes to Blin for dodging just about everything that was thrown as him, including giant spiders hidden in the shadows.
Strike Three: Goes to Dan for not only two crit fails, but also opening the one trap we encounter and losing an arm.
My Name is Toby: Goes to Ranx for bringing even more disposable slaves to a red shirt fight.
Actually Helpful: Goes to Chris for doing the only truly productive things in the quest.
Righteous Brothers: Goes to Bow for being willing to commit abortion to stop the possible threat of an evil that makes him feel uncomfortable, and being at least verbally aware of his brothers death and the impact it had on him.
Cody: 0
Max: 0
Zach: 0
Sandy: 3?
Jordan: 2
Nathan: 1
Chris: 0
Dan: Not yet
Bob: 1

That Time we Got Raped


Holy fuck, this is gonna be a crazy ass write up. To those who didn’t play: count your blessings for most of you would have died.
Only suckers work 9-5: After immolating a church in an attempt to purge EVIL, our debt is sold to a Lord Gustavo Fappingshire. Luckily, he’s not a total asshole and so the group spends some time working various jobs and make new friends along the way. Or some shit like that.
A favor to the family: Fappingshire decides to have us start working some of that debt off via a mission in some Eastern European themed section of the world by investigating the deaths of workers in a stonemill of sorts and searching for evil books (because 4 games of evil books on a monkey island wasn’t bad enough).
Inspector Gadget or Inspector Cluseau?: The party sans Blin (Jordan), Norrin (Zach) or any of the shitty expanded universe characters arrive in the town of something I forget and are told of awful horrible murders. We go off and attempt to investigate for like, clues and shit.
Sweet Home: our “leads” takes us to a dilapidated house where bad shit has gone down. The house has a gaping crater full of mold in the middle of it. Hey, wait a minute… WE HAVE A MOLDSPEAKER! Well, we did, but Zallen (Sandy as a fusion of his last two characters) has massive internet issues and is unable to continue play. Matt flips on the auto pilot switch for him. No mold speaking for us sadly.
Hmmmmmm…Right?: At the bottom of this awful pit of mold wait three small creatures carrying knives and wearing big coats to conceal all the dank they smoked four minutes ago. Is this where you’ve been DJ? Rapeman (played by Bob J Stork) tosses one of the little bastards while the group finishes off the other two. Bob goes in for a rather graphic kill by ripping off one of DJ’s dicks. This blatant display of awesome backfires as the little fucker explodes like a poorly packed joint, leaving Rapeman kinda blind and Zallen totally blind.
The people under the stairs: We leave Zallen behind with Kowl’s (Nathan) falcon while we continue on further into what apparently is a secret cavern devoted to Satan. The group comes across a Ghoul carrying a mysterious book. COULD IT BE? In probably the only smart move of the entire adventure, Kowl manages to convince the monster in question to sell us the book for 50 bucks.
Candle in the wind: The group continues exploring the sewers of Satan and are forced single file down a tunnel. Near the end is a fake magical door. From behind, the group is assaulted by a chaos demon, a swarming mass of sheer terror. Grumblepuff the bear is unfortunately bringing up the rear of the group and pathetically tries to fight back against the horrific monster before it turns the poor beast into a puddle. Rest in peace bear friend, rest in peace.
Elder God Dance Party Massacre: We flee from the chaos beast into the magical room only to discover we’ve lept out of the frying pan and into the fire. Awaiting us in that room is a gigantic transdimentional monster comprised of claws and tentacles. The Spawn of Yog-Sothoth trounces poor short lived noble Rapeman who sacrificed his life singing death metal to the beast as a distraction. Ranx (Max) almost joins his fellow gravekin, but manages to survive long enough for Kowl to place the demonic book of bad stuff on an altar in the room and sealing the demon horror away.
Bad Ending Aftermath: The group backtracks through the death cavern to find an escape path through a mostly abandoned asylum. The house we were investigating has collapsed down and probably killed Zallen again, meaning Sandy has died 4 times, with two characters dying twice and both at the same time on the second death.
Cody: 0
Max: 0
Kowl: 0
Zach: 0
Jordan: 2
Sandy: 5 (pending fb session with Matt and Sandy)
Bob: 1
Grumblepuff: 1… RIP Buddy, you will be missed.



QFC Postgame Wrap-up: Take me to Church edition.
It’s been five months since the group last played together. Will everyone still remember how to play their instruments? Which members have gotten really fat? Drug scandals and divorces abound? Let’s find out!
-Reunion Tour pt. 1: Last time the group played, Norin (aka Zach) was absent due to a personal quest in the city of Catapillars or whatever the fuck it was called to get him a bionic arm. Didn’t work. Through the magic of shifty storytelling, BAM! Norin has rejoined the group. Mr. Tibbs (Cody) does ask a couple of questions, but it’s pretty much agreed on that it doesn’t really matter how he got there.
-Temple of the Dog: the church we’re clearing out has been overrun by these evil dog creatures called Mugwumpis and look like a combination of every stupid ass small dog breed ever mixed with an eight year old child. So in essence we’re cleaning up Michael’s Vick old house. We got tasers and water galore!
-Arrows in the Dark: After a brief skirmish, we begin to explore the church, seeing various statues of bodybuilding heroes of old, their stories of exquisite gainz causing our heart muscles to swell with courage. We then enter the main prayer area of the church seeking fat loot and more dog people near the enclosed altar. The group is pounded with arrows from above, coming from an angry sac of bitches with bows. Norin attempts to take a shot at them, but misses and faces pointy death. Tibbs, who is directly below this filthy dog sack, sends a ball of liquid heat up there to mess them up and it does. It also causes the dilapidated rafters to come crashing down on them.
- You poor, poor girl: In the brief pause after nearly bringing the roof down, Allen begins taking stock of the damage done to everybody since his holy waffledom grants him healing backrubs.
Sandy: “who’s got the lowest health?”
Zach: “I do.”
Sandy: “Who’s got the 2nd lowest health?”
Cody: “You do.”
Sandy: “Cody, I’ll heal you.”
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. I had only taken 11 damage and healed nine of it by then.
- Alpha Dog: From the remaining rafters above come down four more little dog people and one gigantic fucking dog person with a giant fucking hammer. Our group is fairly shoddy shape from all the arrows and flaming rafters. Shit, the arrows did goddamn 12 to our Paladin Allen (Sandy) alone. With no other way to go, seemingly, we charge this dog head on.
- Pizza box Paladin: the battle against Ye Olde British Bulldog is a real slobberknocker. Allen, Ranx (Max), Blin (Jordan) Norin and Grumblepuff charge the big dog while Mr. Tibbs immobilizes the little dogs. During the exchange, Blin uses the power of song to stun the beast, only for everybody save Ranx to miss completely. In fury, this dog who was already pissed at Allen’s CHIVELRY, in two hits manages to shatter both Allen’s armor and then his face, pulverizing arguably our coolest party member. Farewll Allen, may your blue waffle RIP in peace.
- Reunion Tour pt2: after a tearful looting of Allen’s corpse for his magical sword and Tibbs soulgem, another round of Deus Ex Machina occurs as the soul gem fades to black and Allen’s corpse swells before erupting. We all glance over to see a naked Orc there. It’s Sandy’s previous character Zark Banglois the Bard in the flesh… or at least the flesh of Allen. Yep, this happened. Not sure how I’ll count that in the death totals afterwards, but hey fuck it, WELCOME BACK ZARK. TWO BARDS IN THIS BITCH AGAIN.
- A New Challenger: As we stumble back to the church entrance looking to get away from the swarm of dog people awaiting us in rafters above, we come across a dandy wandering through the halls, speaking madness and urinating upon himself. Kowl, dishonored horse riding, falcon training meta ranger of the tiny dancers, has joined the fray. Goddammit Nathan Drashner.
- Swamp Thing: the rest of the church is largely uneventful. There’s a bird creature we manage to avoid not fighting, despite one of our many bards/rangers probably stealing one of her eggs.
We then enter the darkened mess hall. Tibbs mistakes what ends up being a plate for something of actual value and thus sends the group into a goddamn MOLD TRAP. Naturally, the mold attacks Blin for being the scummiest group member and Zark for living in a moldy apartment in Idaho Falls for like 3 years. Meta to the max! Tibbs produces fire to promptly burn these mold piles while the group attempts to safely remove the mold from both Zark and Blin. Blin is infected with fungal rot, aka mold clap and suffers weiner damage every round till healed. Well deserved. Zark, however, is bequeathed with arguably the only fucking treasure of the whole encounter. He is now part mold, gains a mold weapon, can speak with mold and has the lordly title of MOLDSPEAKER now. For those that don’t know, Sandy Swiftwind is a goddamn mold champion in real life. His old apartment had two rooms completely covered in mold. Every pair of underwear he owned was crusted in mold. His stationary bike pedals were held together by mold. We merely adopted the mold, he was born in it. THERE WAS LITERALLY NO BETTER SERIES OF EVENTS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Adventure over, game won.
- Mayhem: well, except for the whole clearing out a church full of dog people. Blin earlier confirmed that the rafters were full of em. Battered and bruised, but needing to keep the church intact, Blin and Zark combine their sweet singing skills to attempt and entrance what’s left of the dog people, a trick Blin has pulled off twice so far. Despite a valiant duet attempt at “Like A Prayer,” the two fail and the dogs are let out. Tibbs then proceeds to do like what any good nature loving dwarf/druid would do and create even more fire to cause a massive fire than kills off the remaining mugwumpis and any hope of getting any phat loot out of this journey.
-Sandy: 3
-Jordan: 2
-Everyone: 0 despite some really close calls for Zach again.

Derplomacy Pt : FUCKING BARDS


Post game wrap-up: no elevator tapes edition. Last we left off the group sans Blin (Jordan) and Grumblepuff (MVP combat bear) were causing a ruckus in Katapesh.
Stealth mode activated: turns out surviving an impromptu barfight isn’t such a good idea. While we were victorious, the local authorities are now searching for us. Oh well, it’s not satanic monkeys.
Derplomacy pt1.: Tibbs (Cody) and Ranx (Max) go back to the boat to retrieve Blin and GP. Tibbs catches Blin up on current events and sees if Blin can smooth talk a way for the group to have a bear wander the streets with them. Blin’s idea of diplomacy involves threats, insults and squabbling. GP is left at the docks.
Barbershop: Blin and co. then head off to search for Jaffa since he’s apparently the hottest shit in town when it comes to damn well everything. The group heads to Tilia’s bathhouse, where Ranx stays outside and gets made fun of while Tibbs and Blin hit the showers. Blin attempts to chat up a dragonkin in infernal, but unfortunately doesn’t speak the language of love and makes virtually no progress with him. Blin does get a swag fade cut from Tilia and a small bit of information, but it’s about as much information as he got from the dragon. Tilia’s level of sass is much lower than the employees promised. Damn Gina, where yo fire at gurl?
Where everybody knows your name: Allen (Sandy) and Norin (Zach) head to Jericle’s Bar in search of Jaffa. There they befriend a dwarf named Vec Trollbane. Zach loses about ten minutes of IRL time reliving every Bane meme and video he’s watched in the last year and a half. Vec also sounds Cheech Marin for some reason. Vec and Tibbs immediately bond over the rumors of a black dwarf stomping the shit of that cowardly bitch beardless dwarf. Vec also points Jaffa to the group and he is not happy about it.
DEEP SECRETS: Various members of the group talk with Jaffa and pay him for info about stuff. Yep. After Norin learns of a way to fix up his busted stump, He informs the group he’s heading into the city. The rest of the group is like, okay whatever dawg.
Dwarves got to look out for each other: Tibbs decides to hit up Vec for a way into the city that doesn’t involve a direct method and Vec offers to help him and the bear into the city. Dwarven brotherhood represent!
The Thing: the group has four days to kill whilst waiting for Vec to prep the trip. Tibbs and Ranx go mine, Blin sings aka begs and Norin/Allen form team brotein once again to investigate the cult of evil stupid women. Shit takes an odd turn when Allen attempts to deliver chivelry into some single mother’s heart and she grows a sweet C cup on her back that starts lactacting acidic purple drink. People melt and the remaining single mothers decide to jaw rock Allen. The two are treated to a series of horrifying mutations and barely escape a dirty, filthy death.
Derplomacy pt2. Upon reuniting, the group trades work day stories. During the course of the conversation, Blin decides it’s a perfectly good idea to bring up a discussion Tibbs had with Jaffa regarding an evil stone and Allen stops keeping calm, demanding to take the stone by force. Blin further demonstrates his sweet negotiating skills by stealing the stone from Tibbs mid transfer of hands, which was going to go to Blin anyways as a neutral sign of good faith. Yep. Allen then prepares to dice up Blin before calmer heads prevail and the stone ends up in Allen’s possession. There seems to be a theme here regarding Jordan and being utter shit at character interactions in game.
Avengers Disassembled: Norin has gone missing. Nobody cares. Moving on.
Tourist Trap: The group arrives in the city long enough to buy some BITCHING SCORPION ARMOR and discover that what they really want/need to do involves looking for Almah, some girl that can tell them about the stone and get the bear street legal. Oh yeah, also clear up that whole problem with being wanted by the law.
Derplomacy pt3: Allen’s lack of calm is on full display as he brazenly talks with Almah and fucks up the whole interaction. Way to pull a Blin there dawg. Tibbs manages to save the trip a little by offering the group’s services in killing Gnolls so that we can get back on Almah’s good side. It’s also a paying job and a decent paying job too.
Trophy Time!
Helen Keller School of Public Speaking award goes to Blin for being quite possibly the worst diplomat ever.
Daniel Day Lewis lifetime achievement award goes to Sandy Swiftwind for once again being the most in character during the session.
Short Circuit award goes to our terribly unimpressive tech setup that almost cost us an hour of actual gametime due to pauses and interruptions.
A decent session, but it went a little long for a game that had little or no action outside of bitches melting and shit. The next game will guarantee two things: lots of BATTOL and no Zach, both pluses in my eyes. See you then.

KCCO Bar Fight


Quest for Cock Follow up report sponsored by Hair Club For Men and KCCO Beer.
In the last episode, our intrepid group had just returned from the perilous Hidden Temple of Olm… I mean, the EVVVVVVVVIL Monkey palace, destroying the evil book of naughty awful horrible bad things and Eric the inquisitor. Get fucked Eric.
The Bard decided to dream of puppets and social justice, leaving the party to carry his ass through the jungle Weekend at Bernie’s style. He also spend the rest of the adventure in nap land. Man, Bard is such a shitty class.
Upon returning to camp, the remaining knights decide that losing Eric isn’t so bad if the book is destroyed with him. They also ask for any artifacts from the evil temple as well. Begrudgingly, Hobbiepoo, Tibbs and Norin relinquish their goods in exchange for some cash and safe passage off the island, but not without some trepidation regarding the taking of said evil artifacts. Norin convinces the group that it’s best to do so to avoid the wrath of some evil hocus pocus shit that he saw in a dream. Tibbs reminds him that Norin has shitty judgment calls.
The party is also granted another holy assistant in the war against, like, evil and shit in the form of Sir Allen Gerdau the Chivelrous of the Order of the Blue Waffle (played by Sandy Swiftwind- seriously, don’t piss this character away) With a small vessel and supplies, the group make their way towards some fucking ripoff Egyptian town that probably loves Elizabeth Taylor and Ben Hur. Along the way, the group stops in Payette Idaho, I mean Rivertown to gather some supplies to finish the journey. Did I mention we’ve been stripped of our armor as well due to those asshole knights being infected with a disease as a secret bioweapon that may have infected us? Yeah, fuck them, we had to get some new clothes for the emperor too.
All goes well until some townie scum decide they don’t like us round these parts. We try to peacefully leave while they throw rocks at us. In the hold of the ship, the Bard dreams of a sleepy town rioting for justice while the townies attempt to assault for being different and shit. Said townies get mowed down by Norin while Allen attempts to use chivelry to peacefully negotiate. It doesn’t happen and Norin slays like five townie scumbags while we make haste out of port.
Upon arriving on the set of the prince of egypt, our party pays a whole bunch of cash for docking privileges and to have grumblepuff stay on the ship with The Bard. The group travels into town to gather supplies and info to plan on their next course of action and head to the slums, the worst decision of this whole adventure surprisingly. Near the bar, several crazy batshit cultist bitches are babbling on and on about a door in the savannah and believe that Norin is some sort of holy savior from their collective dream. Whilst Norin and Allen heal the masses, Tibbs and Euronymous head to the bar to gather info on where they can sell the gem of Zark.
Things escalate quickly when Tibbs talks to another dwarf that decides to ignore him. Tibbs promptly tells him to fuck off and a barroom barwl ensues. In the course of this battle, a whole lot of weak ass characters get flat out murdered, none of them being our party members for once. Also, that piece of shit dwarf manages to epically fail on ALL THREE ATTEMPTS AT HITTING TIBBS. OOOOOH BOI GET FUCKED YOU SHAVEN SHIT EATING FUCKSTAIN. AND ALL TIBBS DID BACK WAS LAUGH AT HIM WHEN HE PUNCHED TIBBS FOR ZERO FUCKING DAMAGE BECAUSE THAT DWARF WAS A FUCKING BITCH AND GOT PUT DOWN LIKE A BITCH. BITCH.
Where was I? Oh yeah, after having Allen buy us some time away from the police (the irony) we head to a nearby inn to formulate our next move…
Award Time:
“Max is that you?” awarded to Norin for lying about handing over his monkey treasure to the knights, shooting a shit ton of low level bitches up real good AND convincing that swath of religious fanatics to charge into the bar and fight on his behalf when seconds ago they were asking for his help to lead better lives. You’re totally chaotic evil by now dude.
“The one true roleplayer” awarded to Sandy Swiftwind for being the best actual roleplayer thus far. He stayed true to his chivelrous ways by seeking a peaceful solution to most of tonight’s problems instead of opting for blue waffle jaw rocking. Damn,why didn’t you go into theater instead of the medical field dawg?
“Sir not appearing in this picture” awarded to Jordan Carlman for not appearing in this game tonight. Next time dude.
That wraps up this week’s edition. All things considered this is more in line with what our first adventure should’ve been like, not our five or sixth. Still, the party is alive, slightly less decked out in magical shit except for Sandy (motherfucker) and hopefully LEVEL FUCKING FOUR BY NEXT GAME.

Satanic Monkey Fortune Rape Recap


We’re going to try a slightly different format in this week’s QFC postgame aftermath writeup. While not quite as brutal as last game, this one still had it’s share of insanity.
The game picked up with our intrepid survivors (Cody/Mr. Tibbs/Druid, Max/Euronymous/Fighter and Zach/Norin/Gunslinger) resuming the position of getting fucked in the ass with combat against camo-apes. Thankfully, we finally got our levels and thus could survive more than a round of combat. Additionally, Eric of the order of some shit involving rocks showed up and we got to finally rest and heal. Booyah!
We repaid Eric by helping aid him in his cocktastic quest to battle against the island’s horde of satano-monkeys. Not wanting to fuck shit up as normal, we agreed and went off to rescue some hostages. In a FUCKING AWESOME display of druidic calm, Cody summoned a ball of fire that lit the cage and three monkeys on fire. Burn you simian fuckwads. Oh wait, there are hostages in that cage! Turns out letting them burn alive would been better since among the hostages were not one, but TWO fucking bards: Zark (played by Sandy) and Glin (played by Jordan). Seriously, two bards? If we were infiltrating tea parties and trying to get deals on pantaloons this would be great. Instead it’s fighting the forces of darkness with the power of song and dance. Fuck.
With our newfound “party” members, we continue on with Eric’s plan involving creating a distraction to assault a monkey temple and recover a priceless and troublesome artifact. The fact that we’ve had solid rolls this session should mean something right?
The plan goes off pretty seamless at first. The group manages to scale the awkwardly designed monkey city. We also manage to kill off some blue skinned bondage bitch without a teammate nearly dying either. We even manage to get to the main temple without trouble. What’s going on here? No bad luck? No batshit insanity or stupid decisions like staying on a drowning ship? Shit, maybe we’re finally figuring it out.
The temple seems pretty straightforward at first. The first room has the book Eric is looking for, easy peasy with no boss monster or ambush awaiting us. Room 2 is even better. We manage to solve a puzzle with only one hitch and that is Sandy getting zapped out of the room. We also get to play around in a toychest of magical shit, but Jordan is deathly afraid of mystic animal parts and gives his away. Sandy gets nice socks.
Then, all hell breaks loose. We decide to test our luck and enter the third room, aka the Tarrot Terror room and are confronted by a shitty puzzle involving the major arcana and shitty DnD deathtrap designer logic. Sandy tests fate first and vanishes entering the Hermit door. Cody tests his luck with the Magician door and walks away demagicalized (yes, it’s a word goddammit). Zach walks through the world and get sexually abused by cosmic horror so bad he’s suffering from amnesia and can’t remember any of it due to sheer trauma. Combined with werepanther insanity, Zach’s going to have a hell of a psychiatrist bill. Eric seeks the sage council of our group about which door to try. In what is probably the worst advice ever given, Jordan convinces him to open Death’s door and SURPISE, Eric meets instantaneous death, destroying the book, Eric and three weeks worth of planning on Matt’s part in one fell swoop. Jordan apparently hates DnD since this is the SECOND TIME HE’S MANAGED TO CAUSE A MAJOR PLOT DERAIL.

Ahem, moving on…
After a brief doppleonymous battle and getting rocked by lightning thanks to Jordan opening the Chariot door, we finally open the Wheel of Fortune door and are greeted by a cenobite with Tarot cards. Each of us draws one that basically cause MORE random bs and we leave. Before we exit, Mr. Tarot dickmouth gives Cody a ruby. Thanks! We make our way down the steps of monkey devil temple minus one knight and one…wait, we’re short a bard. Where’s Sandy? In a cruel display of sheer DnD fuckery, Sandy’s soul had been conveniently placed inside that ruby we were given as a parting gift by Pat Sajak. Which means Sandy died. AGAIN. His totally not an insulting mockery of Zach Langlois character died in almost as quick a time as Jordan’s original character and did just as much. Damn dawg. That now leaves our party in the same spot we were in before. Great!
Achievements Unlocked!
Flight of the Conchords: unlocked by having two players deciding to choose quite possibly THE WORST POSSIBLE CLASS FOR OUR GAME.
Solo Project: unlocked by having one of the two bards die in the same game they were introduced. One of you is Cher, releasing a dance album at 60 years old. The other is Sonny Bono and got killed by a tree, almost as out of the blue.
Army of Two: unlocked by Mr. Tibbs and Grumblepuff for killing half of the bad guys this adventure almost single-handedly. Almost 40 years later and magic is still too op in DnD.
Breaking up the Band: Unlocked by both bard players coming to the conclusion after a single session that playing a Bard sucks.
Extending the Olive Branch: unlocked by Norin for offering his share of berries to a wounded Euronymous and thus burying the hatchet somewhere besides each others faces.
Runaway Train: unlocked by Glin for convincing a character to unknowingly walk directly into death’s arms and further dashing our chances of getting off the island. This was actually pretty awesome.
And lastly…
Die another Day: unlocked by Zark for getting essentially killed by having his soul trapped in a gem with no hope of escape and in his first game. Damn dude.
Cody: 0
Max: 0
Zach: 0
Sandy: 2
Jordan: 2


10487411_665951520165699_6530476885292744570_n.jpgI’m sorry this took so long but lyferape and stuff:
Смерть Европы: 4,600
Sandy Swiftwind: 3,265
Cody Carlman: 4,600
Jordan Carlman: 3,100
Zach Langlois: 4,000
anyone who crossed over 3,300 is leveled up to LVL 3. This gives all who made it a bonus feat. 6,000 is the next mark which awards a bonus to the ability score.
This is a mix of Story, Creature, and also the death penalty. So Jordan and Sandy are close and will most likely cross it pretty quickly on the next session. Please note that your new characters are LVL 2 almost 3. please just speck them for LVL 3 so we do not have to do this during the session.

recap 3

10698488_10201801601880745_1904849388009243563_n.jpgThis edition of the TL: Quest for Cock is way longer than I originally planned. Also, certain story details have been omitted for the purpose of maintaining the story integrity as it stands. Trust me, they’re good and when the time comes they will be posted. You’ll have to settle on this for now.
The Good News!: We had landed aboard another ship that wasn’t home to nothing but insanely hostile pirates! Life is good right?
The Bad News…: Nope! The boat has been horrendously damaged and started taking on water. Life still sucks.
Deus Ex Machina: Norin (Zach’s gunslinger) is able to both recover his health miraculously and retrieve one of his lost guns in the course of minutes, when previously he was knocking on death’s door. How, you might ask? I don’t know, it’s a mystery!
Table Flip: The boat begins to take on water and in the course of doing so flips a table into Arpisys’ face (Sandy’s character) for nearly half his/her/it’s health.
Deals with the devil: Toonce (Jordan’s character) and Norin make their way to the deck of the ship to try and convince Grok that landing at the closest place possible in order to make repairs is the best course of action. When this fails, they steal a lifeboat. Hijinks ensue involving Arp defending his pirate lover’s craft by sinking an arrow into Norin and sending him into the ocean. Toonce just laughs because he’s an asshole.
Black Magic pt1: Arpisys is trapped behind a line of now angry pirates, Max (who’s name hasn’t been revealed yet) is stuck trying to hold the lifeboat for Arp while Norin and Toonce make their way to the closest island. Mr Tibbs and Grumblepuff have dived overboard and are also swimming towards said island. Things go from bad to worse when a gigantic fucking monster composed of a bunch of leftovers from Red Lobster attacks the already crippled ship called The Man’s Load or some shit. While there’s no evidence to support this theory, the current belief stands that said monster was called to the ship by Mr Tibbs. No video evidence supports this and Mr. Tibbs’ official response is that you’re all just being a bunch of fucking racists.
The Last Unicorn: Arp decides that self preservation lacks nobility and decides to go down with the ship, sliding into the maw of oblivion via the oceanic equivalent of animated leftovers. I’m sure there’s a metal song Max could post that would best fit the occasion. Farewell Arp. Seriously dawg, you could’ve survived.
The Island of Dr. Moreau: Not long into our foray on what was basically the worst place we could end up, our intrepid party finds out that there’s a hunting party of four looking to capture them. One of them includes a gigantic heavily armoured gorilla. From a werepanther to cthulhu to this. Man, being level 1 sure is fun! Also, hypothermia is for pussies according to Max.
Black Magic pt 2: After varying degrees of posturing, formulating, calculating and adjusting, a battle breaks out between the turbolovers and the hunting party. That gigantic ape fucker is no joke and knocks Max over like a little bitch. Hypothermia this, asswipe. Shit looks really bad when out of nowhere a gigantic rattle snake with swords and armor attacks the ape monster, sparing the party from certain death.
Negro Sorcery: Well, not entirely. During the scramble, the OTHER black dwarf manages to get TWO critical failures ensuring death by Grumblepuff and proving that I’m the best fucking black dwarf druid ever. One of the other assailants happens to be Papa fucking Shango, complete with teleports, electric joybuzzer hands, Ozymandis bullet stopping and other bullshit.
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle: Papa Shango manages to pop in long enough to send Toonce to his grave, making this the second character Jordan’s had die in the course of three games. However, this is not Toonce’s final hour, oh no… Death is only the beginning…
Nice Shootin’ Tex!: In the process of fleeing the battle, Norin opts to fire while following after Tibbs to cover their trail. Papa Shango ain’t havin’ none and deflects that shot directly into Max, nearly killing him. If only this game was about sabotaging your team…
Day of the Evil Gun: Norin’s hand has decided it’s tired of all this bullshit and goes awol, attacking Norin’s other hand to deprive him of god’s greatest gift, self pleasure. Through the team’s combined efforts, Norin’s possessed hand (commandeered by a thoroughly sadistic Toonce) is liberated from Norin’s worthless corpse. Reloading sure is going to be a bitch.
This week I’m also adding a new feature to the write up: ACHIEVEMENTS! Along with our deathtallies, you get pointless awards! Fuck yeah breh!
The Heart of Darkness awarded to… I can’t actually say it at this time, but wow. You nearly got everyone killed multiple times and intentionally too. You’re a gigantic fucking asshole and your treachery shall be known, but not today you piece of shit. Still, I’m impressed.
The Table Has Turned awarded to Sandy for nearly offing himself with a table.
The World’s Best Bear awarded to Grumblepuff for doing more work than the actual character responsible for him. Atta bear!
The Worst Teammate awarded to Zach for being the worst teammate. First you abandon Sandy to get raped, then you cause a riot on the ship. You almost kill Max on accident, then again on purpose and FAIL to kill yourself in the process. Way to be a team player. Guess who’s not getting ice cream cake after the game today?
Cody 0
Max 0
Zach 0
Sandy 1
Jordan 2

Recap 2

Time for the post game wrap up show with your host, Lord Fappingshire of the Gilded Shaft Estates.
A brother reborn: Jordan rejoins the game as a seedy human pirate, but fails to answer the black dwarf’s question of what he really is. He is confronted by the horrible truth that all white people really do look alike.
Zach, WTF: Zach decides to engage in a team building exercise with Sandy Swiftwind and attend a get off the fucking boat workshop. Zach unfortunately decides to leave Sandy in the hands of two unsavory characters that hadn’t taken the Sexual Harassment Training course yet. This counts as work avoidance and goes in Zach’s permanent record.
Policy Violation pt 1: Sandy is seemingly assisted out of his dire predicament by Zach, only to instead get his asshole stuffed with pirate meat like a turducken. Sandy is only slightly miffed by the 4 damage his asshole incurs, which is roughly a 3rd of his total health. No safeword is ever discussed prior to the sex.
Are you not entertained?: Max finally makes his debut in the only way possible for Max to do so: grabbing another man’s dick in a violent fight to the death on a slave ship, troma style.
My name is Tibbs: Mr. Tibbs is the only character out of the whole group that’s said his name. Just sayin’ boys.
The Beastmaster: Tibbs works out a shady record deal with Randy “Sharkman” Rhodes in exchange for sweet, sweet flesh. His debut album “Meat treats at midnight” fails to go triple platinum and he dies at the hands of the most inept sorceress ever. Seriously, get fucked Sandra.
The Beast is Unleashed: while it’s not quite evo moment #28, Scourge does manage to daigo parry Zach’s meager sword swing and deliver madness and death unto Zach. Did I mention he does this while in the form of a giant black panther monster? THAT GETS ITS FUCKING ARM CUT OFF? THAT TURNS INTO A GODDAMN TENTACLE OF DEATH?
The Unslinger: Zach is a gunslinger, aka one who slings guns. Guess what Zach can’t do currently?
Take a look at me now: Despite several hints and nudges, the cocketeers decide to engage a gigantic black panther monster on loan from Ridley Scott that manages to nearly kill both Zach and Max. It totally outclasses us in all aspects. We should be dead.

Cody: 0
Jordan: 1
Sandy: 0
Max: 0
Zach: 0
I think everyone will agree this game was a lot more eventful. Chyea.

Recap #1

10541937_788097687888860_4192206124723110039_n.jpgAnd here’s our after game wrap up highlight reel brought to you by COCK.
- Millertime moment: Sandy proving that you don’t need 1 million dollars to do two chicks at the same time.
- Epic Failure pt.1: Jordan eats a 10 point whiplash that SHOULD have killed him on the spot. He was spared by the grace of the dm…
- My name’s Toby: Cody cooked and served food like an indentured servant. Next time I’ll be peeling potatoes and driving Miss Daisy.
- Man of Mystery: 90% of Zach’s roleplaying was through FB chats. For his eyes only.
-Epic Failure pt2:… only to roll a 1 that resulted in ANOTHER fatal wound that would send our froggy friend to be closer to his monster mother god. RIP Grand Nefarious. None of us actually learned your in game name.
Deathcount scoreboard 08/17/2014:
Best Performance: Sandy Swiftwind for banging two chicks in a single roll. That dick girl concept ain’t so funny now is it?
Worst Performance: See the two part epic failure. Don’t worry, it will be somebody else’s turn in the barrel soon enough.


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