Quest For Cock

Well Dan Fucked Us

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The Other Carlman Sister write up:
Blin gets his own spinoff co-starring the murder fueled red shirts including a special guest appearance by everyone’s favorite slave owning Hobgoblin, Ranx. Norin canceled at the last minute because teenagers. The results were as revolting as the Joey spinoff, but peppered with even more failure.
Over at The Frankenstein Place: Our heroes are on their way to do some paranormal investigating, but are delayed due to rain, so they go into yet another country bumpkin inn—because that has really worked so well in the past.
Gypsies Tramps and Thieves: Fate smiles on us and instead of our usual serving of inbred bat people, or satanic primates, we are greeted by filthy superstitious gypsies! Grumble Dan and Chris (who I can’t remember the character name of) want to repeat history by opening lines of communication with our severed bat monster head, but diplomacy wins out when Dan decides to instead get a deformed-senior citizen-bar back shitfaced. He tells us a yarn most fowl.
Turns out there is another AARP member upstairs pushing some kind of monster out of her vagina, and she has brought body guards. Turns out that when we walked in the natives were getting antsy about evil and were getting ready to turn virgin Mary and her wise men out into the storm. Our new Paladin Bow-Brother of the dead Cal-agrees when he senses that the fetus is hell spawn, also she is an unwed mother and fuck that noise.
Diplomacy wins out again—I know right?—-when we talk the bodyguard into letting us go see the witch give birth and offer assistance, and that’s when shit hits the fan, kind of literally. We see a goat, a child, a doctor, the old pregger crone, and a homunculous spider thing made out of shit! Like real people shit! Bow looses his cool and casually suggests that a aborting both baby and mother might be the holiest solution to our evil fetus problem which prompts poo beast to lose his shit rim shot
The Reflex: Blin puts his dancing skillz to the test and backflips out of the way of fecal assault, but no one is safe with Grumble Dan decides to crit fail with his roofies flail of confusion, missing all enemies and smacking Bow straight in his righteous fucking face. The old witch lays down some thick mist to blind the crew and Bow spends the next three turns confused, spiritually, but more importantly sexually. He advances on the out and proud homosexual Blin, who promptly does what he does best and runs. Amid all of this I believe Chris is the only one actually doing damage to any of our actual enemies throwing his hammer in a way that Manowar would be proud of.
Awesome-stad: Enter Ranx and his merry band of lesser goblin slaves, also driven to the inn by the storm. They are greeted by a cowardly homosexual crying for blood. After a game of 20 questions they go upstairs to be greeted by Grumble Dan’s second crit fail of the game.
When you’re hot, you’re hot: Dan defies physics and manages to hit Blin in the face with his flail even though he isn’t actually in the room, before much of anything can happen our heroes are enveloped deeper in the fog, when it breaks they are in a new room with two chests.
Having learned little from previous adventures our heroes try not once, not twice, but three times to open one of the chests. The reward? Oblivion.
Armless of Darnkess: Grumble Dan, destroyer of worlds, opens the chest only to unleash the airplane sequence from Eraser. Ya know, where everyone is getting like sucked out of doors and shit. Only this time we are all getting sucked into this fucking box that ends up taking Dan’s whole arm off. Yeah, we really need a 3D printer up in this crew.
Blin is the only one who manages to nimbly jump away, avoiding danger a second time. He promptly does the thing he does second best to running, and sings Amazing Grace. Everyone was quite moved.
Master and Servant: Chris Fusco takes things to another level and uses one of the slaves to close the chest by curb stomping him into it. Ranx says that should be a lesson to his other slave, which is really not that helpful because like 2 seconds later that slave dies too when we all have to jump from out new shack enclosure—which turns out to be a giant dead spider husk—and into a watery pit of spiders.
We all nearly drown, but somehow survive completely surrounded by a bunch of eight legged bastards…what will happen next?
I think that covers it?
Rewards:
Dancing Queen: Goes to Blin for dodging just about everything that was thrown as him, including giant spiders hidden in the shadows.
Strike Three: Goes to Dan for not only two crit fails, but also opening the one trap we encounter and losing an arm.
My Name is Toby: Goes to Ranx for bringing even more disposable slaves to a red shirt fight.
Actually Helpful: Goes to Chris for doing the only truly productive things in the quest.
Righteous Brothers: Goes to Bow for being willing to commit abortion to stop the possible threat of an evil that makes him feel uncomfortable, and being at least verbally aware of his brothers death and the impact it had on him.
Cody: 0
Max: 0
Zach: 0
Sandy: 3?
Jordan: 2
Nathan: 1
Chris: 0
Dan: Not yet
Bob: 1

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