Quest For Cock

Satanic Monkey Fortune Rape Recap

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We’re going to try a slightly different format in this week’s QFC postgame aftermath writeup. While not quite as brutal as last game, this one still had it’s share of insanity.
The game picked up with our intrepid survivors (Cody/Mr. Tibbs/Druid, Max/Euronymous/Fighter and Zach/Norin/Gunslinger) resuming the position of getting fucked in the ass with combat against camo-apes. Thankfully, we finally got our levels and thus could survive more than a round of combat. Additionally, Eric of the order of some shit involving rocks showed up and we got to finally rest and heal. Booyah!
We repaid Eric by helping aid him in his cocktastic quest to battle against the island’s horde of satano-monkeys. Not wanting to fuck shit up as normal, we agreed and went off to rescue some hostages. In a FUCKING AWESOME display of druidic calm, Cody summoned a ball of fire that lit the cage and three monkeys on fire. Burn you simian fuckwads. Oh wait, there are hostages in that cage! Turns out letting them burn alive would been better since among the hostages were not one, but TWO fucking bards: Zark (played by Sandy) and Glin (played by Jordan). Seriously, two bards? If we were infiltrating tea parties and trying to get deals on pantaloons this would be great. Instead it’s fighting the forces of darkness with the power of song and dance. Fuck.
With our newfound “party” members, we continue on with Eric’s plan involving creating a distraction to assault a monkey temple and recover a priceless and troublesome artifact. The fact that we’ve had solid rolls this session should mean something right?
The plan goes off pretty seamless at first. The group manages to scale the awkwardly designed monkey city. We also manage to kill off some blue skinned bondage bitch without a teammate nearly dying either. We even manage to get to the main temple without trouble. What’s going on here? No bad luck? No batshit insanity or stupid decisions like staying on a drowning ship? Shit, maybe we’re finally figuring it out.
The temple seems pretty straightforward at first. The first room has the book Eric is looking for, easy peasy with no boss monster or ambush awaiting us. Room 2 is even better. We manage to solve a puzzle with only one hitch and that is Sandy getting zapped out of the room. We also get to play around in a toychest of magical shit, but Jordan is deathly afraid of mystic animal parts and gives his away. Sandy gets nice socks.
Then, all hell breaks loose. We decide to test our luck and enter the third room, aka the Tarrot Terror room and are confronted by a shitty puzzle involving the major arcana and shitty DnD deathtrap designer logic. Sandy tests fate first and vanishes entering the Hermit door. Cody tests his luck with the Magician door and walks away demagicalized (yes, it’s a word goddammit). Zach walks through the world and get sexually abused by cosmic horror so bad he’s suffering from amnesia and can’t remember any of it due to sheer trauma. Combined with werepanther insanity, Zach’s going to have a hell of a psychiatrist bill. Eric seeks the sage council of our group about which door to try. In what is probably the worst advice ever given, Jordan convinces him to open Death’s door and SURPISE, Eric meets instantaneous death, destroying the book, Eric and three weeks worth of planning on Matt’s part in one fell swoop. Jordan apparently hates DnD since this is the SECOND TIME HE’S MANAGED TO CAUSE A MAJOR PLOT DERAIL.

Ahem, moving on…
After a brief doppleonymous battle and getting rocked by lightning thanks to Jordan opening the Chariot door, we finally open the Wheel of Fortune door and are greeted by a cenobite with Tarot cards. Each of us draws one that basically cause MORE random bs and we leave. Before we exit, Mr. Tarot dickmouth gives Cody a ruby. Thanks! We make our way down the steps of monkey devil temple minus one knight and one…wait, we’re short a bard. Where’s Sandy? In a cruel display of sheer DnD fuckery, Sandy’s soul had been conveniently placed inside that ruby we were given as a parting gift by Pat Sajak. Which means Sandy died. AGAIN. His totally not an insulting mockery of Zach Langlois character died in almost as quick a time as Jordan’s original character and did just as much. Damn dawg. That now leaves our party in the same spot we were in before. Great!
Achievements Unlocked!
Flight of the Conchords: unlocked by having two players deciding to choose quite possibly THE WORST POSSIBLE CLASS FOR OUR GAME.
Solo Project: unlocked by having one of the two bards die in the same game they were introduced. One of you is Cher, releasing a dance album at 60 years old. The other is Sonny Bono and got killed by a tree, almost as out of the blue.
Army of Two: unlocked by Mr. Tibbs and Grumblepuff for killing half of the bad guys this adventure almost single-handedly. Almost 40 years later and magic is still too op in DnD.
Breaking up the Band: Unlocked by both bard players coming to the conclusion after a single session that playing a Bard sucks.
Extending the Olive Branch: unlocked by Norin for offering his share of berries to a wounded Euronymous and thus burying the hatchet somewhere besides each others faces.
Runaway Train: unlocked by Glin for convincing a character to unknowingly walk directly into death’s arms and further dashing our chances of getting off the island. This was actually pretty awesome.
And lastly…
Die another Day: unlocked by Zark for getting essentially killed by having his soul trapped in a gem with no hope of escape and in his first game. Damn dude.
Deathcount!
Cody: 0
Max: 0
Zach: 0
Sandy: 2
Jordan: 2

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