Quest For Cock

recap 3

10698488_10201801601880745_1904849388009243563_n.jpgThis edition of the TL: Quest for Cock is way longer than I originally planned. Also, certain story details have been omitted for the purpose of maintaining the story integrity as it stands. Trust me, they’re good and when the time comes they will be posted. You’ll have to settle on this for now.
The Good News!: We had landed aboard another ship that wasn’t home to nothing but insanely hostile pirates! Life is good right?
The Bad News…: Nope! The boat has been horrendously damaged and started taking on water. Life still sucks.
Deus Ex Machina: Norin (Zach’s gunslinger) is able to both recover his health miraculously and retrieve one of his lost guns in the course of minutes, when previously he was knocking on death’s door. How, you might ask? I don’t know, it’s a mystery!
Table Flip: The boat begins to take on water and in the course of doing so flips a table into Arpisys’ face (Sandy’s character) for nearly half his/her/it’s health.
Deals with the devil: Toonce (Jordan’s character) and Norin make their way to the deck of the ship to try and convince Grok that landing at the closest place possible in order to make repairs is the best course of action. When this fails, they steal a lifeboat. Hijinks ensue involving Arp defending his pirate lover’s craft by sinking an arrow into Norin and sending him into the ocean. Toonce just laughs because he’s an asshole.
Black Magic pt1: Arpisys is trapped behind a line of now angry pirates, Max (who’s name hasn’t been revealed yet) is stuck trying to hold the lifeboat for Arp while Norin and Toonce make their way to the closest island. Mr Tibbs and Grumblepuff have dived overboard and are also swimming towards said island. Things go from bad to worse when a gigantic fucking monster composed of a bunch of leftovers from Red Lobster attacks the already crippled ship called The Man’s Load or some shit. While there’s no evidence to support this theory, the current belief stands that said monster was called to the ship by Mr Tibbs. No video evidence supports this and Mr. Tibbs’ official response is that you’re all just being a bunch of fucking racists.
The Last Unicorn: Arp decides that self preservation lacks nobility and decides to go down with the ship, sliding into the maw of oblivion via the oceanic equivalent of animated leftovers. I’m sure there’s a metal song Max could post that would best fit the occasion. Farewell Arp. Seriously dawg, you could’ve survived.
The Island of Dr. Moreau: Not long into our foray on what was basically the worst place we could end up, our intrepid party finds out that there’s a hunting party of four looking to capture them. One of them includes a gigantic heavily armoured gorilla. From a werepanther to cthulhu to this. Man, being level 1 sure is fun! Also, hypothermia is for pussies according to Max.
Black Magic pt 2: After varying degrees of posturing, formulating, calculating and adjusting, a battle breaks out between the turbolovers and the hunting party. That gigantic ape fucker is no joke and knocks Max over like a little bitch. Hypothermia this, asswipe. Shit looks really bad when out of nowhere a gigantic rattle snake with swords and armor attacks the ape monster, sparing the party from certain death.
Negro Sorcery: Well, not entirely. During the scramble, the OTHER black dwarf manages to get TWO critical failures ensuring death by Grumblepuff and proving that I’m the best fucking black dwarf druid ever. One of the other assailants happens to be Papa fucking Shango, complete with teleports, electric joybuzzer hands, Ozymandis bullet stopping and other bullshit.
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle: Papa Shango manages to pop in long enough to send Toonce to his grave, making this the second character Jordan’s had die in the course of three games. However, this is not Toonce’s final hour, oh no… Death is only the beginning…
Nice Shootin’ Tex!: In the process of fleeing the battle, Norin opts to fire while following after Tibbs to cover their trail. Papa Shango ain’t havin’ none and deflects that shot directly into Max, nearly killing him. If only this game was about sabotaging your team…
Day of the Evil Gun: Norin’s hand has decided it’s tired of all this bullshit and goes awol, attacking Norin’s other hand to deprive him of god’s greatest gift, self pleasure. Through the team’s combined efforts, Norin’s possessed hand (commandeered by a thoroughly sadistic Toonce) is liberated from Norin’s worthless corpse. Reloading sure is going to be a bitch.
This week I’m also adding a new feature to the write up: ACHIEVEMENTS! Along with our deathtallies, you get pointless awards! Fuck yeah breh!
The Heart of Darkness awarded to… I can’t actually say it at this time, but wow. You nearly got everyone killed multiple times and intentionally too. You’re a gigantic fucking asshole and your treachery shall be known, but not today you piece of shit. Still, I’m impressed.
The Table Has Turned awarded to Sandy for nearly offing himself with a table.
The World’s Best Bear awarded to Grumblepuff for doing more work than the actual character responsible for him. Atta bear!
The Worst Teammate awarded to Zach for being the worst teammate. First you abandon Sandy to get raped, then you cause a riot on the ship. You almost kill Max on accident, then again on purpose and FAIL to kill yourself in the process. Way to be a team player. Guess who’s not getting ice cream cake after the game today?
Deathroll:
Cody 0
Max 0
Zach 0
Sandy 1
Jordan 2

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