Quest for Cock Follow up report sponsored by Hair Club For Men and KCCO Beer.
In the last episode, our intrepid group had just returned from the perilous Hidden Temple of Olm… I mean, the EVVVVVVVVIL Monkey palace, destroying the evil book of naughty awful horrible bad things and Eric the inquisitor. Get fucked Eric.
The Bard decided to dream of puppets and social justice, leaving the party to carry his ass through the jungle Weekend at Bernie’s style. He also spend the rest of the adventure in nap land. Man, Bard is such a shitty class.
Upon returning to camp, the remaining knights decide that losing Eric isn’t so bad if the book is destroyed with him. They also ask for any artifacts from the evil temple as well. Begrudgingly, Hobbiepoo, Tibbs and Norin relinquish their goods in exchange for some cash and safe passage off the island, but not without some trepidation regarding the taking of said evil artifacts. Norin convinces the group that it’s best to do so to avoid the wrath of some evil hocus pocus shit that he saw in a dream. Tibbs reminds him that Norin has shitty judgment calls.
The party is also granted another holy assistant in the war against, like, evil and shit in the form of Sir Allen Gerdau the Chivelrous of the Order of the Blue Waffle (played by Sandy Swiftwind- seriously, don’t piss this character away) With a small vessel and supplies, the group make their way towards some fucking ripoff Egyptian town that probably loves Elizabeth Taylor and Ben Hur. Along the way, the group stops in Payette Idaho, I mean Rivertown to gather some supplies to finish the journey. Did I mention we’ve been stripped of our armor as well due to those asshole knights being infected with a disease as a secret bioweapon that may have infected us? Yeah, fuck them, we had to get some new clothes for the emperor too.
All goes well until some townie scum decide they don’t like us round these parts. We try to peacefully leave while they throw rocks at us. In the hold of the ship, the Bard dreams of a sleepy town rioting for justice while the townies attempt to assault for being different and shit. Said townies get mowed down by Norin while Allen attempts to use chivelry to peacefully negotiate. It doesn’t happen and Norin slays like five townie scumbags while we make haste out of port.
Upon arriving on the set of the prince of egypt, our party pays a whole bunch of cash for docking privileges and to have grumblepuff stay on the ship with The Bard. The group travels into town to gather supplies and info to plan on their next course of action and head to the slums, the worst decision of this whole adventure surprisingly. Near the bar, several crazy batshit cultist bitches are babbling on and on about a door in the savannah and believe that Norin is some sort of holy savior from their collective dream. Whilst Norin and Allen heal the masses, Tibbs and Euronymous head to the bar to gather info on where they can sell the gem of Zark.
Things escalate quickly when Tibbs talks to another dwarf that decides to ignore him. Tibbs promptly tells him to fuck off and a barroom barwl ensues. In the course of this battle, a whole lot of weak ass characters get flat out murdered, none of them being our party members for once. Also, that piece of shit dwarf manages to epically fail on ALL THREE ATTEMPTS AT HITTING TIBBS. OOOOOH BOI GET FUCKED YOU SHAVEN SHIT EATING FUCKSTAIN. AND ALL TIBBS DID BACK WAS LAUGH AT HIM WHEN HE PUNCHED TIBBS FOR ZERO FUCKING DAMAGE BECAUSE THAT DWARF WAS A FUCKING BITCH AND GOT PUT DOWN LIKE A BITCH. BITCH.
Where was I? Oh yeah, after having Allen buy us some time away from the police (the irony) we head to a nearby inn to formulate our next move…
“Max is that you?” awarded to Norin for lying about handing over his monkey treasure to the knights, shooting a shit ton of low level bitches up real good AND convincing that swath of religious fanatics to charge into the bar and fight on his behalf when seconds ago they were asking for his help to lead better lives. You’re totally chaotic evil by now dude.
“The one true roleplayer” awarded to Sandy Swiftwind for being the best actual roleplayer thus far. He stayed true to his chivelrous ways by seeking a peaceful solution to most of tonight’s problems instead of opting for blue waffle jaw rocking. Damn,why didn’t you go into theater instead of the medical field dawg?
“Sir not appearing in this picture” awarded to Jordan Carlman for not appearing in this game tonight. Next time dude.
That wraps up this week’s edition. All things considered this is more in line with what our first adventure should’ve been like, not our five or sixth. Still, the party is alive, slightly less decked out in magical shit except for Sandy (motherfucker) and hopefully LEVEL FUCKING FOUR BY NEXT GAME.