QFC Postgame Wrap-up: Take me to Church edition.
It’s been five months since the group last played together. Will everyone still remember how to play their instruments? Which members have gotten really fat? Drug scandals and divorces abound? Let’s find out!
-Reunion Tour pt. 1: Last time the group played, Norin (aka Zach) was absent due to a personal quest in the city of Catapillars or whatever the fuck it was called to get him a bionic arm. Didn’t work. Through the magic of shifty storytelling, BAM! Norin has rejoined the group. Mr. Tibbs (Cody) does ask a couple of questions, but it’s pretty much agreed on that it doesn’t really matter how he got there.
-Temple of the Dog: the church we’re clearing out has been overrun by these evil dog creatures called Mugwumpis and look like a combination of every stupid ass small dog breed ever mixed with an eight year old child. So in essence we’re cleaning up Michael’s Vick old house. We got tasers and water galore!
-Arrows in the Dark: After a brief skirmish, we begin to explore the church, seeing various statues of bodybuilding heroes of old, their stories of exquisite gainz causing our heart muscles to swell with courage. We then enter the main prayer area of the church seeking fat loot and more dog people near the enclosed altar. The group is pounded with arrows from above, coming from an angry sac of bitches with bows. Norin attempts to take a shot at them, but misses and faces pointy death. Tibbs, who is directly below this filthy dog sack, sends a ball of liquid heat up there to mess them up and it does. It also causes the dilapidated rafters to come crashing down on them.
- You poor, poor girl: In the brief pause after nearly bringing the roof down, Allen begins taking stock of the damage done to everybody since his holy waffledom grants him healing backrubs.
Sandy: “who’s got the lowest health?”
Zach: “I do.”
Sandy: “Who’s got the 2nd lowest health?”
Cody: “You do.”
Sandy: “Cody, I’ll heal you.”
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. I had only taken 11 damage and healed nine of it by then.
- Alpha Dog: From the remaining rafters above come down four more little dog people and one gigantic fucking dog person with a giant fucking hammer. Our group is fairly shoddy shape from all the arrows and flaming rafters. Shit, the arrows did goddamn 12 to our Paladin Allen (Sandy) alone. With no other way to go, seemingly, we charge this dog head on.
- Pizza box Paladin: the battle against Ye Olde British Bulldog is a real slobberknocker. Allen, Ranx (Max), Blin (Jordan) Norin and Grumblepuff charge the big dog while Mr. Tibbs immobilizes the little dogs. During the exchange, Blin uses the power of song to stun the beast, only for everybody save Ranx to miss completely. In fury, this dog who was already pissed at Allen’s CHIVELRY, in two hits manages to shatter both Allen’s armor and then his face, pulverizing arguably our coolest party member. Farewll Allen, may your blue waffle RIP in peace.
- Reunion Tour pt2: after a tearful looting of Allen’s corpse for his magical sword and Tibbs soulgem, another round of Deus Ex Machina occurs as the soul gem fades to black and Allen’s corpse swells before erupting. We all glance over to see a naked Orc there. It’s Sandy’s previous character Zark Banglois the Bard in the flesh… or at least the flesh of Allen. Yep, this happened. Not sure how I’ll count that in the death totals afterwards, but hey fuck it, WELCOME BACK ZARK. TWO BARDS IN THIS BITCH AGAIN.
- A New Challenger: As we stumble back to the church entrance looking to get away from the swarm of dog people awaiting us in rafters above, we come across a dandy wandering through the halls, speaking madness and urinating upon himself. Kowl, dishonored horse riding, falcon training meta ranger of the tiny dancers, has joined the fray. Goddammit Nathan Drashner.
- Swamp Thing: the rest of the church is largely uneventful. There’s a bird creature we manage to avoid not fighting, despite one of our many bards/rangers probably stealing one of her eggs.
We then enter the darkened mess hall. Tibbs mistakes what ends up being a plate for something of actual value and thus sends the group into a goddamn MOLD TRAP. Naturally, the mold attacks Blin for being the scummiest group member and Zark for living in a moldy apartment in Idaho Falls for like 3 years. Meta to the max! Tibbs produces fire to promptly burn these mold piles while the group attempts to safely remove the mold from both Zark and Blin. Blin is infected with fungal rot, aka mold clap and suffers weiner damage every round till healed. Well deserved. Zark, however, is bequeathed with arguably the only fucking treasure of the whole encounter. He is now part mold, gains a mold weapon, can speak with mold and has the lordly title of MOLDSPEAKER now. For those that don’t know, Sandy Swiftwind is a goddamn mold champion in real life. His old apartment had two rooms completely covered in mold. Every pair of underwear he owned was crusted in mold. His stationary bike pedals were held together by mold. We merely adopted the mold, he was born in it. THERE WAS LITERALLY NO BETTER SERIES OF EVENTS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Adventure over, game won.
- Mayhem: well, except for the whole clearing out a church full of dog people. Blin earlier confirmed that the rafters were full of em. Battered and bruised, but needing to keep the church intact, Blin and Zark combine their sweet singing skills to attempt and entrance what’s left of the dog people, a trick Blin has pulled off twice so far. Despite a valiant duet attempt at “Like A Prayer,” the two fail and the dogs are let out. Tibbs then proceeds to do like what any good nature loving dwarf/druid would do and create even more fire to cause a massive fire than kills off the remaining mugwumpis and any hope of getting any phat loot out of this journey.
-Everyone: 0 despite some really close calls for Zach again.